what I learned from not shopping for a quarter of the year

(as a binge shopping addict)

I can do it! Wow. Who would’ve thought? No, seriously lol not me. I genuinely didn’t think I could last a month without shopping, let alone three. So… wow wow wow.

What else did I learn?

Honestly, I don’t like it. Lol. Not because I need to shop and I’m just a consumerist shell of a human being with no personality beyond capitalism and consumption, butbecause I shop to self-soothe. And that is a way harder issue than just purging my closet, making a budget, or “stopping shopping.”

Here’s the truth: I will shop when I’m emotionally volatile. And no amount of healthy coping mechanisms like breathing, distractions, walks, whatever has YET helped me snap out of it in the moment. To the point where my therapist literally told me to take ice-cold showers, dunk my face in ice, or stick my head in the freezer anytime the compulsive urge comes back.

What the FFFF does that mean? It means this is hard. That’s what it means. Left to my own devices, I will always try to buy my way out of a problem. Okay not always, because we’re retraining our minds here. But that’s still my first instinct, because that’s what I was taught. And I can change that. I amchanging that!!!

So how am I moving forward?

By deleting discipline, shame, guilt, and punishment from my vocabulary (lol slowly, thanks TRAUMA-MAMAMAMA). But slowly, surely, I’m learning that changing my relationship with shopping, consumption, and coping has to feel attractive and delightful, not like punishment. Starving yourself doesn’t make you love food any less (trust me), and neither does binging it.

So let’s see where this goes. And let’s keep deep diving into this shhht together.

xo